My Current Update: Where I Am

Well, it's Sunday and I use to be in the habit of posting a weekend update.
I can't inform you all of the last time I've done one of those, it's been quite some time.
So I thought that I would share an update on my life at the current moment.
 
I started this blog with the intention of having an outlet for my mind.
If you got to spend one day (or even one hour) in my shoes, you'd see how many thoughts run through my mind at any given moment. It's a scary place up there in my brain.
And I feel as if, especially recently, I haven't been using my blog for the reason I intended.
I had a goal this school year, and it was to share more of my feelings.
And I haven't really accomplished that so far.
 
This is a step in that direction.
 
I was recently inspired to do this update through a source I'll leave anonymous, but I felt like I wanted to use this as a positive space to let out my feelings that I have been trapping in my head for quite some time now, and give you some reasons and answers as to why I've been kind of MIA recently, on the blog front and in real life.
 
I hope this update gives you an idea of what I mean.
 
First off, the past couple of months have been BUSY.
It's overwhelming to say the least for someone that is only taking 12 hours of classes.
You'd think I have college figured out by now, but truth is.. I don't. And I don't think I ever will.
I'm getting packed with homework/tests/quizzes/lectures/readings/labs/etc. every week.
On top of that, I'm an active member of my sorority and I have a part-time job on campus.
The stress level has been at an ultimate high for me.
How I'm actually keeping my grades up, I have no idea but I'm not questioning it.
 
Now usually, I handle stress well. I get my shit done, and I take a long nap after as a reward.
But lately, life has been hitting me hard lately and I can't even explain why.
I've been homesick (which rarely happens), I haven't wanted to do anything, but lay in bed and avoid all life and people, and I keep telling myself that I need a change, but I don't do anything about it.
I just haven't felt like Lexxie lately, and it scares me.
 
I've been joking around that I'm having a mid-life crisis at age twenty-one.
On top of school, I'm now faced with the stress that my life is about to take a complete 180 degree turn coming this May, and as much as I like to tell myself I'm ready for college to be over, I'm not.
Where am I going to live? Will I move home? Will I get a job? What if I don't get hired?
 
For the past few weeks, I have felt low. Lower than low. To the point where you might want to call it depressed. And as much as I have been trying to hide it and fight it, all at the same time, it just hasn't worked.
I've cried. A lot. I've yelled. A lot. I try to stay away from my phone and don't text or call people back.
I get up, I go to class, I go to work, and I go home.
 
On top of all this, I got majorly sick too. Bonus prize, yay. I told you and many others before, when bad things happen for me, they keep happening and they don't stop. Just when Life is like "Hi, Lexxie you're going to have an awesome day today!", it's like God turns to Life and laughs, saying, "Sike, jokes on you."
Truly, I don't feel like I have a "life" (because I don't want one), I don't have a hobby or passion outside of school, I just don't feel happy.
 
Netflix has been my best (and felt like only) friend this past month. Thank you Criminal Minds for a temporary distraction. And I know people have tried to reach out and talk, but I just haven't wanted it.
 It's my problem and I want to fix it myself.
 
I don't talk to people, and that's where a lot of my issues do come from.
I'm a huge people pleaser, and as much as I like to think of it as a positive attribute that I possess,
it's actually my downfall. I don't think of myself, at all.
People like to call that unselfish, I call it miserable.
I've let this trait of mine control my life and because of this, I think I just tend to let people down more, as crazy as that might sound. But I also tend to let myself down, simply for the fact that I'm not happy.
 
More of my issues come from the fact that I don't like people seeing me in this type of mental state.
 
Even people that I'm close to. So I hide it, and just try to fake it until I make it.
I try, and try again. And then try so more with no success. This is how it's felt for me over the past weeks, and when something else came up, my only reaction was to cry because I felt like I couldn't handle anything anymore.
 
Okay, I need to stop. Not because I want to, but because I need too.
I'm still not in the mindset to let everything out, but I see that as okay. Baby steps, brain.
I tend to think of my mental situations as small compared to other pains and sufferings people might be facing. But then I realize... pain is pain. And it's okay to feel shitty when you're having a bad day, and it's okay to feel shitty even when nothing bad happened. It's okay. It is.
That's something I have to constantly remind myself on a daily basis.
 
Because, whether my head believes it or not, I do have many blessings in my life.
 
My boyfriend of almost three years that not only loves me, believes in me and supports everything I do, but is also my best friend. I don't think I thank him enough for the impact that he has had on my life, and though we're both busy and don't get to spend the time that we would like with one another, it doesn't change how many laughs you've brought and still continue to bring into my life, great memories we continue to make, and how I can imagine spending each and every day with you for the rest of my life.
I swear the ladies of Kiss My Southern Sass have changed my life, and I have never felt more supported and loved by a group of unique and strong individuals. They make me LOL to no end, they're always there with advice and a supporting hand to help me up when I fall down (which has been a lot recently), and never in a million years would I have imagined a company becoming so influential on my life. I thank you ladies for that.
 
 

My sorority has brought me my best friends, my roommate, some bomb-ass memories, amazing opportunities, and has helped me grow as a woman and as an individual. I wouldn't have shaped my character to what it is today if it weren't for the lovely and amazing ladies I get the honor of calling my sisters.


 

Yes, my fat princess herself is a blessing in my life. That day going to the Humane Society has forever changed my life (along with my bank account and sleeping habits) all because of this (not so) little nugget herself. She's the person (yes, person) that I cry to because I know she can't say anything back. She's legitimately the best listener. Let us ignore the fact that I sound like a crazy person right now. I love her and couldn't imagine my life without her.

That's only a short list of the blessings that I have in my life. Other honorable mentions go to my parents and my family for dealing with all this craziness that is Lexxie Beckmeyer for 21 years. Props to you, I definitely don't know how you accomplished it.

My days are getting better, some days are still the same. But I'm working towards my goals now.
I've discovered some hobbies I want to start pursuing. I want to take up reading again, because I think my mind needs an fictional outlet sometimes to get away from the real world. I want to start reading the Bible again, as well. Even though I've already accomplished the task of reading it through completely once, I think it's time I sat down and really starting listening to the messages and lessons that God wants me to learn and take note of.

I'm sorry this was completely lengthy, and definitely a huge ramble.
But this is me currently. Not happy, not sad, just somewhere in the middle.
I hope this update helps to put in perspective of where I am right now, and what I'm trying to do.

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I hope all is well with you and I hope your days are looking up.
I hope to continue with normal posts this coming week and the next and so on.

Until next time,


 
 
 
 
 
 


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